


You can only be you

by BelFrost



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-03 07:36:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10962666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelFrost/pseuds/BelFrost
Summary: It took Tony's mother eight years, his father twelve and Tony nearly sixteen.Or5 people who knew the truth before Tony did.





	You can only be you

**Maria Padilla**

 

Tony doesn't understand the appeal of Valentines. 

It seems a little pointless; a waste of money and time. Yet there are banners hanging off of door frames and windows and they spend the afternoon cutting out heart shaped cards in school. 

Clay, his best friend is sat next to him, his tongue poking out as he cuts and glues and sticks. He's making a card for Kat, and something unpleasant twist in Tony's stomach. He doesn't understand why, but he knows he should have somebody in mind, right? Everybody else seems to, but he doesn't. He looks around the room, at all the difference girls and doesn't understand why anyone would want to declare their love for them. 

Zach and Sheri are across from him, giggling and holding hands. Sheri pops her gum, which all the boys are buying as it's cheaper then chocolate. Tony can't help but roll his eyes, and he knows he's not alone, as some of the more mature girls look exasperated. Their dates will mostly consist of holding hands in school and sharing candy.

Still, it's hard not to be affected by the surge of romances and questioning why he doesn't want to participate. There have been discussion if Sheri wears a bra yet and nobody has asked Tony's option. Although Tony has no desire to discuss about Sheri's hypothetical bra, he should at least feel left out.

Even his family are caught up in the holiday fever. His Mom and Dad have gone on a date night, the first in months and a week early as George, his oldest brother has plans with his girlfriend on valentines. 

Michael and Lizzy are both out anyway, so it's just Tony, George and Christian home. The house it quiet, something Tony isn't used to. George spends most of the time reading a magazine, not bothering to boss his younger siblings around. Besides, Tony is nearly nine, he's almost too old for a babysitter. Christian is sat at the dinner table, crafting a card. Tony peer's over his shoulder the whole time and Christian ether doesn't care or doesn't realize. He spends ages on the lettering, it just says 'Dear Emma, Happy Valentine, Love Chris.' It's legible though which makes a change.

Tony leaves Chris to finish off and goes to dish out dinner. It's only a stew in the slow cooker. Their Mom doesn't trust them to operate the stove without incidents, not after last time anyway. He pushes a bowl towards Christian who looks up, surprised. He smiles. “Thanks,” He says and pulls the bowl closure, his hand covering the card like Tony hasn't already seen it.

Tony spoons some of his stew out and begins eating. It's a little mushy but he eats it anyway.

There parents come home early, while Tony is watching his show before bedtime. They seem happy and relaxed, although a little begrudging about having to spend money. They don't greet the kids until there shoes and coats are off.

“Thanks for that champ.” His dad clamps George on the shoulder and then glances at Christian and Tony, who are sat on the floor. “What have you boys been up to?”

Christian goes a little pink and admits, “I made Emma a card. We started dating a few weeks ago.”

Their father grins. “You hear that, Maria? Are Christian's got himself a girl.”

“Aw, that's wonderful. Is she nice?” 

Christian nods and tells them about Emma while Tony watches the end of his show. Maria then directs their attention to Tony. “What about you, bebe'? Have you made anyone special a card?”

Not used to the attention, Tony says the first name that comes to mind. His best friend, Clay.

There's a long tense silence, his mother shifts and lets out a anxious giggle. “That's sweet dear, I'm sure Clay will love it. Now come on, lets get you to bed.”

Tony gets up and gets ready for bed. He brushes his teeth, says his prays under his mother's guidance and then climbs into bed for his bedtime story. As his mother leans over and switchs the light off, Tony asks; “Did I do something wrong?”

He doesn't need the light to see his Mom tense. “What do you mean Dear?”

“About giving Clay a card? Dad didn't look very happy.”

“Oh, of course not baby.” She starts to pet his hair and somehow Tony doesn't believe her.

“I mean, I tried to think of a girl, like you're 'pose to, but I couldn't.”

His mom is silent for a long moment then gives him a tight smile. “That's fine Tony. If you want to give Clay a card then you do that.” She kisses his forehead. “Now goodnight.”

The next morning, Tony painstakingly spends a hour cutting out a card for Sheri. He glues the heart on and leaves it on the kitchen side to dry. His Mom and dad must have seen it, but neither say anything. It stays on there for days, and finally, three days after valentines it gets thrown away.

 

**George Padilla**

 

“She kissed me!” Clay tells him at lunch as he sits down with his tray of food.

Clay's grin is infectious and Tony has to smile back.

“Really? What was it like?” Tony asks, because he is generally curious. He's never felt the need to kiss a girl before but knows it will probably be something he does eventually. 

Clay ponders this for a moment. “It was good, you know?”

Tony frowns, because no, he doesn't know.

Clay licks his lips and Tony's stomach twist. He puts his lunch down, because it obviously doesn't agree with him.

“You know, like in those corny movies our moms watch? The one were they always kiss at the end, and the girl lifts her leg up and there's fireworks in the background?”

Tony nods.

“Well, it was like that.” Clay nods to himself, satisfied with his explanation. He then frowns. “I didn't life my leg though,” he corrects, then scrunches up his forehead. “I don't think she did ether, but it was still good.”

Tony congratulates his friend on his first kiss. Your first kiss is meant to be special, right? It certainty sounds like it. Tony spends the rest of lunch listening to Clay ramble on about Rebecca, his new girlfriend and doesn't draw attention to the fact he throws his lunch away. His stomach is too painful to attempt eating.

When he gets home, it's only him and George. His Mom is working the late shift at the hospital and his dad is doing over time. Michael only ever comes home to eat and sleep now and both Lizzy and Christian are over a friends house. 

George looks up from his text book when Tony walks in. “Hey, little bro. There's rice in the fridge if you're hungry.”

Tony goes straight to the fridge because he hasn't eaten since breakfast and is feeling the repercussion of it now. As he's heating up the rice in the microwave, George comes in and grabs two juice carton out of the fridge.

“How was school?”

“Okay,” Tony replies, sitting down with his rice. “Nothing really happened. Clay had his first kiss though.”

“Oh yeah?” George says and sits down beside him and hands him a carton. “I guess you'll getting to that age now.”

Tony isn't sure what George means by that, but does ask; “When did you have your first kiss?”

George takes a sip of his juice before answering. “I think I was about your age, maybe about nine. It was with Tallish, round the back by the garage.”

Tony scrunches his face up and admits; “I don't think I'll ever kiss a girl.”

“Oh you will.” George is smirking now, like he's hiding a secret.

“But I don't think I can!” Tony protest. “When I think about kissing a girl, it just seems weird...it makes my stomach feel funny.”

George is still staring at him, looking like he's trying to puzzle something out. “Have you ever kissed a girl?” George ask.

Tony shakes his head, and this seems to satisfy George a bit. “When you do kiss a girl, you'll understand what everybody goes on about.” He ruffles Tony's hair, much to his protest.

 

 **Samuel Padilla**

 

Tony is twelve when he asks Beth to the winter formal.

Beth is a nice girl, polite, friendly, smart, and a Christian. A good girl, the type of girl Tony is expected to go with. Both his mom and dad approve, and both seem a little too invested in their relationship. His dad offers to take him and pick Beth up too. His mom is adamant in taking photo's. One of him in his dress shirt and orders his dad to get one when he picks Beth up. 

Clay doesn't come, and Tony is disappointed by this. Beth holds his hand and they dance a little together. The chat over drinks and the buffet that's spread out over a few tables. When his dad picks them up and he walks Beth to the door, she kisses him. 

Tony climbs into the front of the car and his dad silently watches him. “You okay, sport?”

He gives his dad a nod, and satisfied Samuel puts the car in drive and heads home. The silences stretches on for a few more minutes. “How did it go?” Samuel ask.

“Okay.” Tony shrugs. 

“Just 'okay'?” His dad questions. 

“I don't know, it was kind of boring.”

His dad smirks. “Yeah, I was never much into all the school dances myself.” He turns the corner, coming out on to the motorway. They drive in a straight line, surrounded by darkness and the headlights beaming in front.

Tony sits there in silence for a little longer, staring into the darkness, before saying; “Beth kissed me.”

Samual glances at him. “Yeah, what was that like?”

Tony shrugs again and thinks of how to explain it. “I don't know. I mean... it felt a little weird.”

“Weird?”

“Like unnatural. I felt like I shouldn't be doing it. Like I was kissing Lizzy.”

Tony doesn't see his dad's frown, or the way he tightens his grip on the wheel and swallows. Tony rests his head against the window, because it's cold and he has a strange twisting in his stomach again, the one he gets every time he thinks about girls that way.

He still doesn't understand. Beth wis everything a good Christian boy would want. Respectful, funny, smart and beautiful. Boys were jealous of him, that he was the one to take Beth to the formal and although he wouldn't say anything, they probably would have been envious he got to kiss her too. Yet still, he didn't feel anything. There was no connection, no moment of realisation, not spark. He just felt confused... empty.

As his dad pulls up into the drive way, he can't help but say; “Is there something wrong with me dad?” And his voice croaks and he closes his eyes because he doesn't want his dad to think he's week. He just doesn't get it. Why can't he be like everybody else. Why can't he be normal? 

“Why would you think that?" 

Tony opens his eyes to see his father frowning at him, his brow creased. 

Tony swallows and rubs his hands on his trousers, suddenly sweaty. "All the other boys in school have started to take an interest in girls. Why haven't I? I mean, Aaron and Courtney said yesterday they were going to get married." He licks his lips, avoiding his dad's gaze. "I keep trying to find somebody, but..." He shrugs. 

Samuel studies him for a long moment, before resting a hand on Tony's shoulder. "Son, you are exactly where you are meant to be. One day you will me find somebody and know they are the person you want to marry." 

“Like you and mom?”

His dad's smile is genuine and something warm twist in Tony's chest. “Yes. Like me and mom.”

 

 **Hannah Baker**

“Did you get a copy of The Zing?”

Tony blinks at Hannah for a moment, because he's fairly certain she had Gym last, which is on the other side of the school. Which meant she would of had to speed across school to walk home with him. Not that Tony minds walking her home.

“Yeah I did.”

The two fall into step together, and Hannah hooks her arm around Tony's. Tony falters for a moment, because he didn't realize they were friends like that. 

“Did you read it?”

“Not yet. I'm not sure what it's about.”

Hannah's brow creases. “A bit of a touchy subject, I'm surprised the school allowed it. Especially with the amount of Christian's and Catholic.” She wavers. “No offensive.”

Tony shrugs. “No taken.”

“Yeah, I'm kind of surprised. It's about sexuality and equality and how certain things don't dictate people's sexuality. Ryan also says about why using that word offends people so much.”

As they step up to the school gates, a Audi drives by slowly. “Looking fine, Baker!” One of the boys catcalls, hanging over the door like a dog.

The change is almost instantaneous. Hannah checks redden, her step falters and her eyes drop. 

Tony frowns. “Ignore them. They are just immature ass holes.” 

Hannah's smile is tight and doesn't reach her eyes. “Thanks,” she mutters.

They walk in silence for a while, and Tony tries to think of something to say to Hannah to make her feel better, but he doesn't know what.

When they reach Hannah's door, Hannah turns to him and asks; “Have you ever had a girlfriend?”

Tony wonders were she is going with this. “No,” he answers honestly.

Hannah's eyebrows lift in surprise. “Really? Why?”

Tony shrugs, suddenly his jacket feels too heavy and his stomach is tight. “I don't know. I've been on dates, but never felt that connection.” 

“Connection, like how? Like drawn together or...?”

Tony sighs and shifts. He doesn't really know how to explain it, because he's never felt it before. He stares at a crack in the pavement for a moment, trying to pull together the words to explain it. “When I was younger, my Dad told me that one day I would look at somebody and...just know.”

When he looks back up, Hannah is staring at him like he's given her the meaning of life. He guess she is satisfied with his answer. 

“Have you ever kissed anybody?”

Tony nods. “Yes, a girl in 7th grade.”

Hannah's lips twist, suppressing a smile. “And nobody since?” 

“I've not felt the need to,” he admits.

“But you wanted to kiss her though?”

Tony shifts, his stomach twisting again. “Well, she kissed me. I didn't really think about it.” 

Her smile is soft and she leans forward to hug him. Her arms are warm and heavy and Tony wraps an arm around her back and shoulders. He isn't sure why, but something about the way she holds him tightly tells him Hannah needs this hug.

Hannah pulls away, her smile still soft and her eyes bright. “Thanks Tony.” Then she's skipping up the stairs and fumbling for her house keys. “Make sure to read The Zing. For school propaganda, it's actually pretty good.”

“I will,” Tony promises, then starts to walk home.

When Tony gets home, everybody who still lives at home is there. They eat dinner together and talk about their day, before settling in the front room to watch a movie. Around nine, Tony retires up to bed, knowing it will give him at least a hour and a half alone time. A con of coming from a big family is having to share a room. It's just him, Christian and Lizzy living at home now though, so he doesn't have to share with all three brother's anymore. 

Climbing into the bottom bunk, Tony pulls out the magazine from the pocket in his bag to read. He isn't sure why he's reading it for, it's not like he ever using the F-word anyway and this issues isn't relevant to him, right?

He reads it anyway, despite the churning in his stomach and the voice in the back of his head asking if this is a admission. An admission to what, he isn't sure. Yet he sits there, legs crossed and elbows resting on his knee's, listening to his music and absorbing the information written before him.

For a moment, a simple question flickers to the forefront of his mind. What if I'm gay? It's like a small spark, a tiny spotlight in a very long, dark tunnel. The idea makes him feel strange, warm and weightless. It feels like hope, that this question is the answer to every other question he has asked himself. Why can't I like girls? Why can't I find somebody special? Why can't I be normal?

Then he pushes it back, extinguishs that tiny flicker, because no. He can't be gay. That doesn't answer anything, it doesn't solve anything. He doesn't like guys, he can't be gay. He likes cars, Rock n Roll, baseball and wrestling. He likes girls. One day he'll find a girl he likes and marry her and have two children with the white picket fence. 

He crumples up the magazine and throws it, not knowing what to think anymore. 

He's not gay. There's nothing about him to even suggest he's gay.

When Christian comes up to bed, he rolls over, pretending to be asleep to avoid any questions. Tony's not sure if the look of panic and confusing will be evident on his face or not.

He doesn't want to run the risk.

 

 

Tony's response to his question is complete denial. 

Well, that's not accurate. His actual response is to keep his mind so occupied with anything that he doesn't have time to address his questionable sexuality. 

Which is kind of hard, because he doesn't really have many friends to hang out with to help distract himself. He doesn't talk to Clay much anymore, not since Freshman year. Now that Tony thinks about it – which is the opposite of what he is meant to be doing – he realizes that it is mostly his fault. He was the one who pushed Clay away in Freshman year and when he thinks about it, he realizes it was because of the rumors. Rumors about Clay's sexuality. Rumors that he didn't want associated with him. Yet he can't figure out why. He's a private person, and he has a lot of secrets, some he's sure he's keeping from himself.

So he keeps himself busy by doing an array of things. He plays baseball nearly every day after school, which the neighborhood kids all join in and he hides his amusement when two of the parents thank him for keeping their children out of trouble. They don't live in the worst part of town, but the children get bored and cause trouble.

His dad has got in a new car, a Mustang that Tony's pretty sure he's in love with it. So he spends his weekends down at the shop, restoring the car to it's formal glory and joking around with the shop employee's. He comes home covered in a layer of dirt and oil, with just enough time to shower, eat, finish his homework and crash into bed. 

A few weeks after the magazine incident the student body flocks into the gym for a school assembly. He's not at all surprised that all the different clicks gravitate towards each other and Tony chooses to sit near the back. 

Not surprising, the assembly is as boring as Tony expected. The principal goes on and on about following the school's rules, Mrs. Clarke pleads that they need more members for their chess club and another teachers tells the students they are having a fundraiser to help support their club. The most interesting part of the assembly is when Ryan Shaver walks up to the microphone. A hush falls over the crowed as they listen to what Ryan has to say. 

When Ryan announces that him and a few other students are starting a PFLAG group there are a few derogatory, isolated comments that are silenced by the glares from the teachers. After that, the students are dismissed and they start making their way to class.

Tony finds he can't focus on classes today, and he suspects it has something to do with the assembly. He knows he can't keep pushing aside everything he doesn't want to think about, but he isn't even sure where to start. 

All day he is bombarded by poster's, advertising the new PFLAG meetings, to start next Tuesday. 

He's never really given much thought into his sexuality. He was straight, right? He had to be, after all, he didn't find any guys attractive. Apart from that wasn't completely true, because when he did stop to think about it he could understand why Hannah went with Justin, why Marcus was so popular with the ladies and Zack's appeal.

So maybe going to the PFLAG meeting would help him understand, help him realise what exactly he was. If he was gay, or straight but hadn't found the right woman yet. But the prospect of going scared him. Surely that would mean he would be telling the school about his sexuality. He didn't even know what it was, let alone other people asking him about it.

So maybe it was best for him not to go, at least until he sorted his thoughts out. Tony wasn't sure how to go about finding out the answer, but he didn't want to declare to the school there was a possibility he was anything other than straight. 

Tony has just sat down for lunch when Hannah comes swooping in opposite him. “So are you coming to the PFLAG meeting?”

Tony blinks. “What?” he replies, feeling somewhat startled. Did Hannah know? No, that wasn't possible, because Tony didn't even know.

Hannah starts unpacking her lunch box. “I know Ryan is a bit of a tool, and all he cares about is his stupid magazine but I think this group can do a lot of good.” 

Tony isn't sure how to response so just watches her. Hannah crosses her arms on the table and leans forward. “I don't really want to go on my own though, so it be nice if you can come with me?” 

Licking his lips, Tony closes his book and shifts in his seat. “I've not got any reason to go.”

“Well you don't need to. It's just to support people.”

“I didn't really know that was your type of thing.”

Hannah shrugs. “I know this doesn't affect me directly, but the more support there is, the easier it makes it for those who need it.” Hannah bits her lip, and scratches at her flacking nail polish. “I invited Clay too, but he said he didn't want to come.”

Tony nods. “That's understandable.”

Hannah quirks an eyebrow. “Why?”

So Tony explains to her about Freshmen year, about the rumors of Clay's sexuality and the taunts that accompanied them. 

“So Clay's gay?” Hannah ask uncertainly and Tony chuckles. 

“No, far from it.”

“How do you know that?”

“He was very adamant about it.” Hannah still looks confused, so Tony explains. “We used to be really close, before all of the rumors started.”

“Why aren't you anymore?”

Tony frowns and looked down at the table. “I think part of the reason for the rumors were because of how close we were. So it just became easy to drift apart.” 

Hannah lip twitchs in sympathy. “I'm sorry. That must of really sucked.” Then she laughs. “This whole school seems to suck.”

Tony's smiles tightly. 

“Will you come with me though?”

“Uh, yeah I guess. 

Hannah's smile was bright. 

**Ryan Shaver**

By the time Tuesday comes around, Tony's forgotten about the PFLAG meeting. It's not until Hannah grabs him on the way to forth that he remembers.

“You ready?” She asks, and Tony nods and mutely follows her.

Tony's thankful that there are already a few people there. Ryan is up at the front, fussing with some sheets of paper. The tables have been positioned to make a large square, which means everybody can see each other. Tony's pretty sure this room is used for a lot of groups, like the Celibacy club and the French club.

One of the female counselor is there as well, and as Tony and Hannah take a seat Hannah leans over to say; “That's the lady that introduced me and Jess.” Then she adds. “She's pretty good at her job.”

Tony nods in understanding. Hannah and Jess had been really close friends at the start of the school year, but it didn't take long for them to drift apart. Both Alex and Jessica became a part of the 'cool' crowd and Hannah was left behind.

A few more people come in before the bell goes and grab seats. Tony isn't surprised that Courtney and Marcus are there, but is surprised that Zack is there. Once everybody is seated, the counselor stands up. “As some of you may know, I am Mrs. Antilly, and although I will be attending all the meetings, I am leaving everything up to you students.” She smiles at Ryan before sitting down.

All attention switches to Ryan as he addresses the group. “Well, if we can just start off by introducing ourself. You can use just your first name if you'd like and if you can say what year you are in why you are here.” Ryan looks around the group at smiles at everyone. He glances at Courtney, who is sat beside him. “Would you like to start, Courtney?” 

Courtney smiles and stands up. “For those of you who don't know me, My name is Courtney Crimson. I'm a Sohpmore, and am here because I have two gay dads.” She smiles again and shrugs one shoulder.

People go around introducing themselves to some length and Tony starts to feel uncomfortable. Finally it comes to Hannah, who just shrugs and says. “Hi, I'm Hannah.” Then she glances at Tony.

Tony nods once. “I'm Tony.” Then glances at the boy next to him.

There are a few more introductions before it comes full circle back to Ryan. 

“Hi, I'm Ryan and I'm here because I'm gay.” He holds his hands up. “Surprise!” There are a few scattered chuckles and Tony can see some of the Freshman have wide eyes. Ryan's the only person in the room to make that statement and Tony can't help but stare at him. 

A Freshman fidgets, before raising his hand. “Can you tell us what it was like?” He bites his lip. “Coming out, I mean.”

“Sure.” Ryan nods. “I was lucky enough to always know I was attracted to boys. I'm also lucky enough to know my parents would be accepting of my sexuality.” Ryan shifts in his seat slightly. “I never officially came out, in the sense most people would assume. I just didn't hide it.” Ryan shrugs and glances around the room. “I didn't hide my sexuality when I started here, and although the first few days were terrifying I was soon known as 'The Gay Kid'. And it was worth it. Simply put. I knew I wouldn't have to walk around with a secret weighing me down and it was liberating.” Ryan shifts in his seat. “I mean, it won't be as easy for some people. I'm a little bit more obvious.”

A girl raises her hand to ask a question, and the conversation soon turns to allies and a support system. Somebody brings up the It Gets Better video and the Trevor projects.

Ryan grimaces. “Suicide statistic's aren't great for those in the GLBTQ community. We're more then three times more likely to commit suicide then our straight peers.” Ryan rubs his hands together. “That's why a support system is important.”

The group falls silence for a long moment before the bell rings, and everybody quietly gets up to make their way to the next class. Tony escorts Hannah to her next lesson before making his way to his own. 

 

Tony carries on going to the meetings with Hannah, and most of the faces stay the same but there are some new ones every time. Hannah is there every time with him, stuck to his side like velcro. Tony still isn't sure what her motivation is, but he thinks he has a good idea. The reason stays unspoken between them and Tony is thankful for her consideration, because he isn't ready to admit it to anyone yet. He's still hasn't admitted it to himself.

It's two weeks in when he notices Ryan's attention. The small smiles, the lingering gaze, the touches that make his heart flutter in his chest. On the third week, Ryan catch Tony staring at his ass and the next day his jeans look painted on. 

Ass.

He can't denial it. As much as he wants to believe Ryan was overly friendly and he was admiring his jeans he knows in his heart it isn't true. Tony has never felt like this about anybody before. It's a strange mix of longing, excitement and glee. It makes him feel giddy. Hopeful. He can understand now what people mean about that connection and for the first time Tony thinks maybe he can be happy. Maybe he can have that special somebody.

On the forth week, Tony stays behind to help clear up. Ryan approaches him, hands in his pockets and looking rather coy as Tony clears the table up. 

“It's nice of you to keep coming.”

Tony doesn't reply, but glances at him from the corner of his eye.

“I know you don't do clubs normally.” Ryan chuckles. “Goes with your whole, loner bad boy image.”

Tony blinks and looks at Ryan. Is that the image people have of him?

Ryan smiles softly. “It means a lot that you keep coming.”

Feeling uncomfortable, Tony just shrugs. “It was Hannah who convinced me to come,” he admits.

Ryan is still smiling. “Well, it's still nice. I actually wanted to ask if you would mind helping me out.”

Throwing away the scrap paper, Tony turns to look at Ryan fully. “I wanted to address some other subjects, rather then just holding a Q&A, but could use a extra hand or two for collaboration purposes.” Ryan adds, “Hannah is more than welcome to help too.” 

Tony considers it, before nodding. “Sure, I can give you a hand.”

Ryan beams at him, and Tony's stomach twist, but in a pleasant way.

“Brilliant. If we can just swap number, and we can organize something.”

They swap contact details and there's a small niggling feeling in the back of his mind that Ryan has just used this as an excuse to get his number. He carries on throughout the day, consistently aware of his phone in his pocket.

It's two days later before his phone chimes with a text message. He tries to ignore the flutter in his stomach as he realizes it's from Ryan. 

Wanna grab a bite?

Tony winces at that, because that involves money, and he pulls his wallet out hopelessly. He has five dollars and a few cents to his name. Not enough to impress a guy like Ryan.

Staring at his wallet like money may magically appear, his Dad walks by. “What's up son?” 

“Nothing Pa.” Tony mutters. “Just wishing I had money to hang out with a friend.”

His dad regards him wearily, before pulling his wallet out of his back pocket and pulling out two twenties.

“No, Dad, I-” Tony starts to protest but his dad holds up his hand.

“Consider it payment for helping with the Mustang.” He hands Tony the note, who takes it gratefully. “You don't go out much anyway, so it won't hurt.” 

“Thank's Dad.”

Samual nods. “So this friend, do I know them?”

“You're not met them.”  
His Dad nods absently. “Well I'd like to meet them someday.”

Tony smiles, a strange feeling settling in his gut. “Okay, Dad. Thank's again.”

Grunting, his dad waves him off and heads outs.

Eagerly, Tony texts Ryan back. Sure, I could eat. Where to?

Ryan texts back almost instantly. The Italian place down on George Street? Meet at 6?

Sure, see you then.

 

This isn't a date, Tony reminds himself again. Especially after the fact they were still sat in the diner, two hours later. Ryan order them a sharing platter and Tony felt his checks redden. 

Ryan laughs into his lemonade. “Don't worry,” he teases. “I'll keep the campiness to a minimal.” 

They spend time getting to know each other, talking about favourite classes, sports and music. Tony isn't surprised to find Ryan isn't into sports or that he thinks Lady Gaga is a revelation to the music industry. They also talk about their families, Ryan tells Tony about his father side of the family and the fact his Dad is the only straight one out of four kids and that his mother has a gay brother. Ryan must of read something on Tony's face, because he suddenly ask; “Don't tell me I'm your first gay?” 

Tony shifts, and fiddles with his napkin. “Actually, yes you are.” 

Ryan just grins at him and Tony can't help but smile back. 

Once they are finish and the bill comes, Tony pulls out his wallet to pay for his half.

“Oh, put that away,” Ryan scorns and Tony stares at him. “I wouldn't ask you on a date if I expected you to pay.” 

Ryan pays the bill, not noticing Tony turmoil. As they make there way outside the cool air cools Tony's checks and helps clear his head. He hadn't realized that this was a date, but now he thinks about it he can see. The way Ryan kept leaning forward on the table, the way their hands kept brushing and how there legs had rested against each other under the table. 

“I had fun tonight, did you?” 

“I did.” Tony admits

Ryan looks around. “No car?”

“I'm not legally allowed to drive for a few more weeks.”

“You got the bus?” Ryan laughs. “You're brave.”

Tony chuckles, because he knows exactly what Ryan means.

“Come on.” Ryan rest a hand on Tony's shoulder and Tony tries to not read in to it too much. “I'll drive you home.” 

The drive home is quiet, with the radio filling the silence. Tony defiantly enjoyed their date, but as they get closure to his house his stomach starts to twist. What is Ryan expecting from him? His he going to be expected to hold hands at school, introduce each other to their parents, become boyfriends? Because Tony isn't ready to announce anything to the public, he's still struggling to work all of this out.

Ryan pulls up outside Tony's house and cuts off the engine. “We'll have to do this again.” Ryan says as Tony unbuckles his belt. 

Tony hesitates, before nodding. He opens his mouth to say something, but he's not sure what. He wants to say I'm not gay, I'm not attracted to you, this isn't a date but the words dont budge, because he knows he'd just be lying. 

Then, when Ryan leans over, Tony panics. 

“I'm not-”

“Don't, Tony.” Ryan huffs and shifts in his seat to look at Tony. “look, I'm not gonna force you to come out. I get it. You're not there yet. But don't hide it from me.” 

“I'm sorry, I-” Tony rubs the back of his neck, his skin sweaty under his palms and he stares down at the foot well, focusing on the pink notepad by his feet.

“It's okay.” Ryan's voice is soft.

Tony takes a deep breath, then straightens up in his seat to look at the other teenager. Ryan's lips are pink and plump, his pupils dilated and his dark gaze is focused on Tony's own lips. The tip of Ryan's tongue brushes across his lower lip. “I'd still like to kiss you.” His voice is a low rumble and a spark surges through Tony's spine.

Breathless, Tony nods. 

As Ryan leans forward, Tony meets him. Ryan's lips are soft against his and comfortable.

Tony's finger twitch, before he lifts his hand to grip the back of Ryan's neck, pulling him closure. Tony's head begins to swim and his heart beats against his chest so intensely that he's sure Ryan can feel it to. Tony pulls back for breath then dives back in. Ryan's tongue tickles his upper lip and Tony opens his mouth willingly, a shiver running through him.

Ryan moans against his mouth, pulling Tony closure with one arm around his shoulder and the other resting on his thigh. As their tongues dance together, Tony feels a twitch below his waist and has to force himself away. 

They both sit there, breathless and flushed and Tony wants to kiss him again.

“I hope the silence means you enjoyed that.” 

Tony blinks, still light headed. His lips twist into a smile and he chuckles. “I thought that was obvious.” 

Ryan grins cheekily. “Just checking.” He peaks Tony's lips. “Can I pick you up Monday?”

Tony's jaw clenches and he swallows, his mind flashing to his parents before he banishes the thought. “Yeah, sure.” 

Ryan beams at him before catching one last kiss. He stays parked outside the house, watching as Tony slips into the house.

As Tony closes the door, he hears the engine start and the car pull away. Tony takes a minute to catch his breath, leaning against the door for support. He grins to himself, his head still dizzy and his body still flushed. Tony had never felt something like that before. A kiss had never taken away his breath, left him feeling light head, feeling complete, feeling so turned on. 

That giddy feeling is still with him the next day.

**Tony Padilla**

Tony spends the morning at his dad's garage. They are busy in the morning, a rush of people trying to fix their cars before work starts again. Around midday there is a lull and Tony busy himself with inventory before working on the mustang some more, because it's not long until he has to go home.

“It's gone two, time to head home.” 

“Okay, see you at home.” Tony wipes the oil off his hands with a rag.

He stops at the library on the way home, returning the books Lizzy had asked him to and taking out some books for himself. He heads home, feet heavy and stomach tight. The house is empty, will be for a few hours. It's a perfect time to do some searching, something that makes his stomach twist. It's something he's been avoiding for a long time, but something that needs to be done.

He sits down in front of his laptop and lets it boot up. He starts of by looking at some video's, before reading people's stories. It's easier that way, to get lost in other peoples tails then focusing on his own issues. Tony frowns at the screen, because as he reads he realizes that yes, this is something he has known for a long time, deep down. Why he had never been able to feel that connect, that love that other people had. That he was just looking in all the wrong places.

Yet he knows why his mind keeps pushing it away. He's already poor, portico Ricicon and a Christian, he isn't sure about adding gay to the list too. He was picked on in primary school for wearing hand-me-downs, for coming from a large family. He was accused of stealing from the American culture, told he didn't have a right to it. It was the day he snapped, and retaliated that the cruel words stopped. Tony Padilla wasn't afraid to stand up for himself and people became cautious around him. They left him alone, and Tony was happy for them to do that.

After that, he had spent the last eight years trying to stay out of the spotlight. It's why he didn't join clubs, didn't participate in things that would draw attention to him. Thinking about it, it was stopping him from exploring certain parts of himself. He didn't express his love for music, or reading, didn't wear a certain style of clothes and act in certain ways in case it was perceived as anything other than straight.

So what if he was gay? Would that really change anything about him? 

Tony knew the answer, but what about other people? What about his family?

The thought made his heart hurt. That was his main concern, he would need his family to accept him and move on. Yet he didn't know what his families reaction would be. He wasn't lying to Ryan when he said Ryan was the only gay person he knew. 

Ryan was so comfortable himself, not afraid to be who he was and Tony wanted that to. 

The door down stairs opens and Tony shut his laptop and went down stairs to greet his mom. 

Apart from Church, Tony doesn't have any plans for Sunday and he feels adrift, unsure what to do. So when his dad asks him to lead a hand with the mustang, Tony's up for it. They spend a good few hours working on the car, until his Dad announces. “I think it's time for lunch.”

Tony stands and stretches. “What time is it?”

“Two.”

“Really?” Time does fly while you're having fun.

“Come on, mom brought down some sandwiches.”

Tony's stomach growls, pouncing on the world and they grin at each other. They spend the next hour alternating between eating and discussing what part's are in their budget for the new car. 

As Tony throws his rubbish away, his dad clears his throat. Tony glances at his Dad, who is focusing on the log book. “You're mom is worried about you.”

Tony frowns. “Why?” 

“She thinks you're lonely.” 

“I'm not-”

“You're mom's worried because you don't bring friends round, and you ain't in any clubs or anything.” His dad offers a one shoulder shrug, still avoiding eye contact.

“I went out the other night.”

Samuel nods. “I know. I said that to her, but like your mom said that was the first time in like five months.” Samuel gave Tony a critical eye. “Are you being bullied? You know your-”

“No Dad.” Tony sighs, feeling resigned. “I'm not being bullied.”

“Then what is it?”

His dad is still looking at him like he's trying to dissect him and Tony shifts under his gaze.

“It's not anything you need to worry about. Okay? I'm sorting it out.”

Samuel stares at him, looking doubtful so Tony adds, “Besides, I am in a club.” 

“Oh,” Samuel's mouth drops before he regains his composer. “Yeah?”

Tony nods, his checks burn and he couldn't meet his dad's eye. “I go with Hannah.”

“Baker?”

Tony nods again and clears his throats. “It's called PFLAG, it's trying to stop homophobic bulling in school.” In a burst of courage, Tony stares at his dad, studying his reaction.

Samuel just takes a sip of his coffee before saying. “Well I'm glad you're in something.” He gulps the last of his coffee. “Let's get some more done before dinner.”

Tony releases a breath he didn't know he was holding, and the clutch around his heart loosens.

 

Tony excuses himself after dinner to retire up to his room. 

Sitting in front of his laptop, he begins to search. Anything to give him solid ground, so he doesn't constantly feel adrift and lost. It was tiring to constantly feel as if something was wrong with him, that he wasn't trying hard enough to fit in, to be normal. He was exhausted of having to hide a part of him he wasn't even sure of, to endlessly have to keep his emotions and thoughts in check because he was so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, anything that could be perceived as gay. 

Tony snorts, he wants to laugh at himself but there is an intense burning in his gut that stops him. His clothes are a good example of this. He isn't a fashion guru, but he can remember buying clothes he though his Dad and brothers would wear, just to blend in.

Tony's jaw and fist clenches and he stands and rips his clothes off. Grabbing a pair of jeans and top that his mom has shrunk in the wash. There isn't anything wrong with them, and there isn't anything wrong with them on him. They're tighter, yes, but they look... good. 

He feels comfortable in them. A type of ease he hasn't felt in forever. Like when he was with Ryan, there were no barriers, no second guessing. He could just be him.

Standing by his mirror, Tony shoots a look at the door, listening if anybody sounds like they may barge in any second. It's quiet upstairs, there is a low buzz of chatter coming from the living room and the rush of activity outside, but he's safe in his little bubble. Safe to be himself. Satisfied, Tony exhales, starts to speak, then stops. He frowns, clears his throat and tries again. “I'm-” his voice catches and he scowls at himself. Licking his lips, he tries one more time, taking a deep breath, he says; “I'm gay.”

He's met with silence, just his reflection in the mirror and the birds singing outside. Nothing has changed. He still feels like him, yet the grasp holding his heart hostage is relinquished.


End file.
